I want community. Why can’t I find it?
I feel most alone and frustrated when I go to church. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. The pastor speaks of community. How important it is and how he and the church want to get people connected and how there’s plenty of ways to get connected. It all sounds so simple. I have tried various things. I sit in the young adult section, I go to young adult events, I have a community group. Yet I still feel alone. Even my mentor feels like a box I am just checking off.
I am taking steps to meet people. Tiny baby steps for most but big ones for me. Why are You making this so hard? Why do You want me to struggle so much with finding community? Do You want me to one day help others with this very problem? What is the great question I need to answer? What don’t I understand?
Your church is supposed to be a place of welcome and family. It is where I often feel most alone and frustrated. What is wrong with me and my outlook that I cannot see Your people as my brothers and sisters? I try to think and to evaluate myself. To determine where I am going wrong. What question am I failing to ask? What great piece of knowledge is hidden from my sight?
I have been praying for years for community, to be connected. Is being in community not something You want of me? Why such a long and painful wait? Do I need to value You more first? Do I need to overcome my sin struggles before finding a wife? Do I need to be perfect first?
You use suffering as a megaphone, yet I still can’t hear You.
I am only bold enough to question You because I know You are bigger than my anger and more loving than my despair.
I know one day You will lift me up, I do not doubt this. That one day I will have the peace and community I am missing. I do not know if that day will begin in this life or in the next, either way, I look forward to that day. That promise gives me hope to continue on.
Everyone has seasons of doubt and/or anguish. I think its okay to ask questions. To be angry or sad. God wants us to go to Him. He has the answers, even if He doesn’t always share them. We can trust Him. The book of Job is an excellent example of this. The entire book begs the question ‘why’. Why does God allow… The book never gives an answer, yet God remains sovereign. I have grown tremendously in my faith and reliance on God these past several months. Through the loneliness I have leaned more and more on God.